A Breaking Heart, An Aching Soul
by csiAngel
Summary: GC It was all going so well... chapter 5 up now complete
1. Let Goodbye Hurt

Disclaimer - The characters and premise of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation belong to the show's producers and writers etc, and the actors who portray them. I'm just borrowing them for my own, non money making, purposes. Any song lyrics used in my story belong to the writer/ artist not to me.  
  
A/N: This chapter contains the lyrics to the song "Let Goodbye Hurt" by Suzy Bogguss.  
  
Chapter One - Let Goodbye Hurt  
  
~It sure looks like this love is winding down  
  
~You changed your mind about me and what you thought you'd found  
  
It's all changed. At first we were happy, we were in love. So in love. It sounds clichéd, but we were inseparable. It was like our lives had been leading up to the moment that we admitted our feelings. That anything we had ever been through, everything life had brought us or thrown at us, was to prepare us for this. For our love for each other. At least, that's how I felt.  
  
Every day I recall the first time we kissed. I still feel his hand on my cheek, stroking it gently. I still see his eyes looking into mine. My breath still catches each and every time when I see the love they contain. It's a memory that has brought tears of happiness to my eyes every day for the last five months, three weeks and four days. A memory I never thought would bring tears of sadness. But it did today.  
  
~Funny how it works that way, but I just couldn't see  
  
~Any sign that you were pulling out on me  
  
It's hard to believe, but I swear it's true, yesterday things seemed fine. I had no idea this was coming. In hindsight the clues were there. There's always a clue. Recalling his words makes me smile, then I remember, I'm thumped in the face by reality. Actually, it feels more like I've been thumped in the chest. In my heart. And I was hit so hard it broke it. No, that's not right either. It broke this morning. Now it is just being shattered into smaller pieces each time I think about him.  
  
I went to his office when my case was tied up. I stood in the doorway watching him concentrate on his paperwork, a hobby I have grown quite fond of. He looked up, but instead of his usual smile, there was no smile. He didn't look even slightly pleased to see me. He glanced at me, returned his gaze to his papers and said:  
  
"Hey!"  
  
Already I could feel the tears pricking at my eyes, and a lump forming in my throat. I guess that shows I had seen the signs. You don't react to that extreme the first time your boyfriend doesn't look thrilled to see you. I suppose I'd just ignored them. If I didn't admit to seeing them, then they weren't there. A childish notion, but brought about by fear. Fear of suffering the pain I now feel. Fear of this feeling of emptiness, of knowing that I've lost everything. Six months ago I had a friend. A good friend. A best friend. Now I have nothing.  
  
I responded with a 'hey' that I had to force past the rapidly growing lump, as I sat down opposite him, needing to support my body before it gave way beneath me.  
  
"You -" I began, pausing to moisten my suddenly dry mouth, " - asked me to come see you."  
  
He froze. He was still looking at his paperwork, but he wasn't reading it. I could tell he was thinking. And I knew what about.  
  
"Gil, just say it." I took a deep breath and mustered as much courage as I could. I had to retain some dignity in this. If he was going to end it, I wasn't going to look like a lovesick fool. I wasn't going to beg. If he made that choice, that was it.  
  
~I've been in your shoes and I know how it feels  
  
~You say you love me, but that don't make it real  
  
~I'm better off knowing that you'll be gone for good  
  
~Let's just let goodbye hurt like it should  
  
He looked up at me. Sadness filled his normally glowing eyes. He didn't need to say anything. I stood up and swooped round the chair for the door.  
  
"Catherine!" he stood and followed me. You've got to give him that, he didn't want to hurt me. I guess he just had to.  
  
"Your eyes have always told me everything I needed to know," I managed, barely keeping the tears at bay. I turned away from him and took the door handle, and I was about to leave when I decided I needed to know. Maybe it'd make it easier to deal with.  
  
"Why?"  
  
He hesitated for a second, but my glare seemed to tell him that he owed me this much.  
  
"I've been offered a job. In LA."  
  
"And you want to take it?"  
  
He just nodded.  
  
"And you thought I wouldn't let you? That I would try to make you stay?" Anger laced my words. It didn't make sense, surely he knows that I wouldn't stop him from doing what he wanted to do.  
  
He hesitated again. He knew his words would hurt, and it hurt more that he cared enough to not want to say them.  
  
"Gil. you can't hurt me much more than you already have."  
  
This hurt him. I could see it in his eyes. And a part of me felt that he deserved it.  
  
~One side of love doesn't get you anywhere  
  
~There's nothing worse than loving someone who's just not there  
  
"I want to take the job, Cath."  
  
"I got that much, Gil," I shouted, unable to contain my anger any longer.  
  
"I shouldn't want to take it!" he shouted back. I'm not sure how much of his anger was directed at me, and how much was directed at himself. "If I was happy, I wouldn't want to take it. So, I figure, I can't be happy."  
  
As my pain reached a new level, I realised I was wrong. He could hurt me much more than he already had.  
  
~I know you searched for something here, can't say you didn't try  
  
~But feelings such as these don't just fall out of the sky  
  
"I thought we were destined to be together, Cath, but I guess there was something missing. Probably from me. I've never been good with people."  
  
A variation on the "it's not you, it's me" line. Seemed I was very wrong.  
  
~I've been in your shoes and I know how it feels  
  
~You say you love me, but that don't make it real  
  
~I'm better off knowing that you'll be gone for good  
  
~Let's just let goodbye hurt like it should  
  
So, here I am. Alone. Hurting more than I ever thought possible. And crying over things that yesterday made me happy.  
  
~I've been in your shoes and I know how it feels  
  
~You say you love me, but that don't make it real  
  
And then there's a knock at the door. I freeze. I know that it's him. But I don't know what to do. I want to see him. Oh, I want to see him so badly. But at the same time, I don't want to see him. I can't face him.  
  
"Catherine! I know you're in there!"  
  
He's at the window now. The curtains are drawn, he can't see me. But, it's like he says, he knows I'm in here. But if I stay here he might give up. And maybe he'll go away.  
  
"I'm not gonna leave til you've let me in."  
  
Or maybe he won't.  
  
"Catherine! I'm sorry! Please come to the door!"  
  
He sounds genuinely sorry. The tears are back, my soul aches for him, it's telling me to go to him. But my broken heart is telling me to hide. It reminds me that it can't take anymore.  
  
I scream with frustration and break down in tears on the floor.  
  
"Catherine?!"  
  
He obviously heard the scream, there's concern in his voice now.  
  
"Catherine! Let me in!"  
  
He's banging on the window, but I still can't move.  
  
"Catherine! I'm sorry! I love you! Let me in!"  
  
My heart skips a beat when he says that he loves me. All day I've been longing to hear those words. But I'm still crying, and for some reason, I'm still not moving.  
  
"Catherine! I have something to ask you, and I hadn't planned to do it through a window! Please open the door."  
  
This seems to work. I freeze again. This time my soul and my heart agree that I should see him. I stand up slowly and straighten my clothing. Looking in the mirror above the fireplace I decide it's pointless to even try sorting my face out.  
  
"Catherine! Please!"  
  
I run a brush through my hair. I need to look like I haven't completely fallen apart without him.  
  
"Catherine! I want to ask you to marry me!"  
  
My head shoots round to the window. I must have misheard him.  
  
"Marry me, Catherine? I love you so much."  
  
He doesn't notice me until I am standing on the porch watching him leaning against the window. He runs towards me and takes my face in his hands, wiping away the tear stains from my cheeks.  
  
"I'm so sorry! I really am! I must have lost control of my senses! I love you so much! I am really sorry! I love you! I don't want us to be apart! Ever! I don't know what I was thinking. But now I know exactly what I want! I want you!"  
  
He drops down to one knee, never taking his hands away from my body, only to take a small box from his pocket and open it. It houses a perfect gold ring, with a beautiful diamond. My breath shakes as I look at it.  
  
"Catherine Willows, will you marry me?"  
  
I look into his eyes, they're so full of love and hope, and as a new set of tears stream down my face, I shake my head.  
  
~I'm better off knowing now that you'll be gone for good  
  
"It's too late," I tremble, "I can't. it's too late!"  
  
I fly back into the house and collapse behind the door. My entire body shakes with each sob that escapes. Tears pour onto the floor beneath my head. And what hurts me the most is that I'm crying because I know this was the right thing to do.  
  
~Let's just let goodbye hurt like it should  
  
TBC. 


	2. When It Rains

Disclaimer - please see chapter one  
  
A/N: This chapter contains lyrics from the song "When It Rains" by Lari White.  
  
Chapter Two - When It Rains  
  
~He`d had some time  
  
~He`d been doing fine  
  
~He couldn`t remember when she`d last crossed his mind  
  
After she turned down my proposal I didn't see or hear from Catherine at all. She was absent from work, and gave her explanation directly to the powers that be, not to me. I tried contacting her, but she ignored me. She didn't want me, so I had nothing to stay in Vegas for. So I took the job in LA, and I've been here for over five months now.  
  
Moving house, starting a new job, being single again - all changes that are difficult enough to handle on their own, and I had to face them all together. There were so many times in the first few months that my hand had dialled the first digits of Catherine's number, but I stopped myself before the last one. I had hurt her. She didn't want me, I had to face that.  
  
Once I'd settled into my new apartment and adjusted to the new work pattern, my emotions began to calm down, and I could keep myself busy - twenty-four hours a day if necessary - and push all thoughts of what I lost to the back of my mind.  
  
~But a storm cloud comes stealin`  
  
~With that old mournful feelin`  
  
~Just like the black night she left him behind  
  
It's been going well. The job is every bit as good as I had thought it would be. My colleagues share my interests to a greater degree than my Vegas team did. We go out to dinner at the end of our day and talk for hours about bugs or the latest Discovery Channel documentary. I would never say that it is better than being in Vegas - the two things are too different to be justly compared. But I do feel a sense of belonging here. These people understand me. Whilst I enjoyed working with and educating Nick, Warrick, Sara and Greg, I never really felt that I fit in. No-one ever really understood me like my new workmates do.  
  
Except Catherine.  
  
As soon as I hear myself think those two words I cringe. Not because I don't like to think of Catherine, but because I don't want to. It makes everything too difficult. When she's on my mind, I see her everywhere, I hear her voice when I'm walking down the street, and turn expecting to find her standing there looking beautiful as always. But she's not there. All I have are the feelings I'm holding onto. My love for her, and my anger for my own stupidity in pushing her away.  
  
~When it rains  
  
~When it rains  
  
~It pours down memories and thunders her name  
  
And once I open those floodgates, it takes so long to fight the force of the memories and push them securely back into place again.  
  
I remember out first date. We'd been to dinner together many times before, but this felt different. I couldn't stop smiling, and she couldn't stop smiling. I can still see her eyes sparkling, I couldn't look away from them all night. They exerted a power over me, and I didn't want to break free. She was so beautiful. And I told her so. Several times. Because I could. Because after nineteen years of thinking it and wishing I could tell her, my wish had finally come true.  
  
~And he drowns in the flood of the same old pain  
  
~When it rains  
  
~When it rains  
  
And then I threw it all away. How the hell could I have been so stupid? I am supposed to be an intelligent man. Throwing away the best thing that has ever happened to me exhibits no sign of intelligence at all.  
  
"I figure I can't be happy.. There was something missing."  
  
My pathetic words circle my mind, haunting me, taunting me, reminding me what an idiot I've been.  
  
And I see her face. Tears cascading down her cheeks, eyes already bloodshot, so they're obviously not the first tears she's cried that day. I see her slowly shake her head. She says she can't. That it's too late. And then she's gone. And I'm frozen. I stay outside her house, rooted to the spot, overcome by a feeling of emptiness.  
  
That's my last memory of her. There were so many happy times we shared, but I have to block those out too because they bring on that last memory. And maybe I deserve to relive the pain, but I can't. It's just too much. I need to move on.  
  
~He starts to cry  
  
~He gets to wondering why  
  
~And he`s sure he can`t take one more long lonely night  
  
There's a woman at work, Hannah Raybourn. We've been out a couple of times. She's beautiful, she's intelligent, she has a smile that can light up a room.  
  
~But his mind keeps on achin` ~And his heart keeps on breakin`  
  
But I keep pulling away from her because she's not Catherine. On every date I've spent the time remembering dates with Catherine, seeing Catherine smile, hearing Catherine laugh.  
  
~And he stands there shakin` his fist at the sky  
  
And my anger has increased tenfold. First I let her go, then I won't let go.  
  
And I hate myself for doing this to Hannah. She doesn't deserve to be treated this way. She likes me. I like her. I just have to accept that Catherine is my past. Because I know that if I don't pull myself together and see if Hannah could be my future I'll regret it. And I already have enough regrets. So I'll do this. I can do this. I can move on.  
  
TBC. 


	3. Now I Know

Disclaimer: see chapter one  
  
A/N: This chapter contains lyrics from the song "Now I Know" written by Chick Rains, Cindy Greene and Don Cook, performed (in my version) by Lari White.  
  
Chapter 3 - Now I Know  
  
~I always wondered how I`d live without you  
  
~If you ever said goodbye  
  
~Would I just live in dreams about you  
  
~With tears in my eyes?  
  
I wake up and, for the seventh consecutive morning, I haven't dreamt of Gil. I suppose the fact that that is the first thing I think of when I wake up shows I'm not quite over it yet, but at least the dreams have stopped. I couldn't handle the dreams.  
  
It's not that they're horrible dreams, it's that they're too pleasant. They started about two months ago. Every single time I fell asleep he was there. And we were happy. And it ruined everything I had achieved in the three months since he left.  
  
~Would I fall to pieces when you go?  
  
~I always wondered how I`d live without you  
  
~Now I know  
  
There were so many times in those first few months when my hand had dialled his number, but I stopped before the call connected. He had left the contact number in the office for me, and I had promised myself I would never use it. But we all have moments of weakness, and in mine, he was the only one I wanted to make me feel strong again.  
  
~I`m doing all right  
  
~I`m strong enough to make it on my own  
  
Then I'd remember how easily he had managed to hurt me. I know we are only ever really hurt by people we love - that it's because we love them that it hurts, but that's not comforting. He hurt me, so much. I had never thought it possible for him to break my heart. That he did it intentionally made it so much worse.  
  
So I didn't call. I have never called. And, most of the time, I'm proud of myself for that.  
  
~I`m not afraid of the night  
  
~I`m learning how to face it alone  
  
It's one thing to decide you are going to move on, but actually doing it is a whole other story. I hadn't just lost a lover, I lost the man I loved with all my heart, my best friend, my soul mate, a part of me. He'd been in my life for nineteen years, and now he wasn't there. I'd seen him almost everyday for nineteen years, and now I had to get used to walking into his office, to find an empty chair behind his desk. I had to get used to sitting in that chair, doing his job, in his office, without thinking about him, or how everything that was so perfect managed to go so wrong.  
  
But when you have two options, and you are so convinced that no good could come of one that you couldn't possibly take it, you have to go with the other one. And no matter how hard it is, you have to persevere.  
  
~I`ve been good at holding on  
  
~Now I`m learning to let go  
  
So I did. And I'm doing alright. I can go to work, and I survive. I can think back on time we spent together, and I don't cry - the majority of the time. I can see the door of my house without remembering how I collapsed behind it, crying as I let my world fall apart around me.  
  
~I always wondered how I`d live without you  
  
~Now I know  
  
And most importantly, I can look at myself in the mirror without reprimanding myself for being so stupid.  
  
~I always wondered what I`d do without you  
  
~I found out today  
  
~I got up and made a cup of coffee  
  
~And time just slipped away  
  
The team has been great. I don't think I'd be doing so well if it wasn't for them. At first they kept trying to persuade me to call him, but after a month of me threatening to hurt them if they said it one more time, they came round to my way of thinking and accepted that I needed help to move forward, not backwards.  
  
So, we have this tradition now. Once a month we go out. We have a little arrangement with the dayshift, they cover us for this, we cover them so they can... do whatever they do. Somehow I can't see Ecklie out on the town with his team. But, you never know.  
  
Tonight is this month's night out. It's Sara's turn to choose where we go, so it should at least appeal to women more than Greg's choice did last month. I'm used to half naked women gyrating around me, but Sara looked a little uncomfortable. She has vowed revenge. Should be an interesting night.  
  
~I dressed up and went out on the town  
  
~To places you'd never go  
  
Josie's Karaoke. Not a bad choice, as long as I'm not expected to sing. It promises to be a fun night. I think Greg's a little nervous. He's a funny shade of green at the moment.  
  
***  
  
He's just been called to the stage. So, in preparation, he's downing three shots of something he insists will give him the ability to sing like a superstar. I think he's drunk.  
  
"I Will Survive." Good choice of song, Greg. The rest of the team cringe and glance at me, obviously they see the relevance as well. I smile and wave their attention back to the stage where Greg looks like he's not going to be able to do anything except fall over. Thank God there's a microphone stand.  
  
He begins and the whole room jeers then cheers. Our table erupts in laughter, and is soon joined by everyone else as Greg stumbles forward and drops himself off the end of the stage, walking up to a woman at the nearest table and singing two lines to her before collapsing on her knee.  
  
~I always wondered what I`d do without you  
  
We leap up and run over there, making our way through the small crowd that has gathered. A man is crouched at the side of him trying to get him to speak - apparently he's a doctor. I bend down beside him, and say:  
  
"Greg, Ecklie's looking for you."  
  
His head shoots up, terror written on his face.  
  
The man beside me laughs, as Warrick and Nick help Greg up and take him back to our table.  
  
After apologising to Greg's woman, I turn to the doctor.  
  
"Thanks for trying."  
  
"You're welcome," he smiles warmly.  
  
~Now I know  
  
And I smile back.  
  
~I'm doing all right.  
  
TBC... 


	4. Helping Me Get Over You

Disclaimer: please see chapter one  
  
A/N: This chapter contains lyrics from the song "Helping Me Get Over You" by Lari White and Travis Tritt.  
  
Chapter 4 - Helping Me Get Over You  
  
If I had a suspicious mind, I'd think Warrick had done this on purpose. He's only known the girl for sixth months and they're engaged. Doesn't seem like something Warrick would do. But when I see them together, I know it isn't all just a conspiracy to get me and Grissom in the same room. They're in love. And it's beautiful. And I'm so happy for him. So happy that I can barely feel the nerves I'm feeling about seeing Gil again.  
  
***  
  
The cab pulls up outside the hotel. I recognise some of the people I can see walking into the building. Lab technicians, police officers. People I haven't seen for a long time. I feel my stomach tighten. I haven't seen Catherine for a long time either.  
  
***  
  
Peter kisses me softly before he goes to the bar to get me a drink, then I turn round to look for Warrick, to see if he needs any help with anything. I scan the room, and find him by the door greeting the arriving guests. I'm about to follow Peter when I notice who Warrick is talking to. My throat constricts when I see him. Whatever I've been telling myself, I miss him.  
  
***  
  
Whilst Hannah congratulates Warrick and Sandra, my eyes quickly scan the room. There are so many people here that I used to know, I still remember their names. Not bad for someone who isn't really good with people. Then I see her. She's looking this way. Whatever I've been telling myself, I miss her.  
  
***  
  
Damn! He's caught me looking at him. I smile and he smiles back. Then the woman at his side turns to him and speaks, and he looks away. So I look away and Peter brings my drink and we go to sit down.  
  
************************  
  
Sara's taken Peter away to dance. If I didn't know any better, I'd think she was after my man again. But I do know better. I know she would never cheat on Nick. I watch them dancing. He can dance. He can move. He turns to me and smiles, then he turns back and I watch his hips swaying to the beat. For a split second I forget that there's anything to be nervous about. Then I hear a familiar voice.  
  
"Do you mind if I sit down?"  
  
I look up to find him standing over me.  
  
"Of course not." He sits. "How are you?"  
  
"I was gonna ask you the same thing," he smiles. I really wish he wouldn't.  
  
***  
  
I see her across the room. She's sitting alone watching the dancing, and I know that I have to go and talk to her. I've come all this way, and I'll regret it forever if I don't at least say hello.  
  
I make sure Hannah has someone to talk to then I make my way across the room. She laughs that beautiful little laugh, and when I follow her eyes I see she is watching the man who is dancing with Sara. I hesitate now. I'm not sure I can talk to her.  
  
But I have to. I have to know that she's all right. I want to know that she still loves me. But, I guess knowing that she's okay will have to do.  
  
She allows me to sit, and the conversation begins. I make a small joke to try to break the ice, and it seems to work. She smiles.  
  
"Well, I asked first," she says.  
  
"I'm fine," I lie. I was fine until I saw her again. But I can't tell her that.  
  
~You ask who's lying in my bed  
  
~Is it really love we're making  
  
She nods. "Good... Is that Hannah?" she asks.  
  
"Oh, yeah... I'll introduce you, later. She's talking about wedding dresses with Sandra."  
  
"Really?" she grins in that mischievous way that I remember vividly.  
  
"I don't work as fast as Warrick," I respond.  
  
~My heart's hanging by a thread  
  
~She's the only reason it ain't breaking  
  
In truth, to ask Hannah to marry me would be unfair. I do love her, but it's not the same as my love for Catherine. A love I can't seem to shake, no matter how hard I try.  
  
~Do you ever cross my mind  
  
~Darling fact is you still do  
  
But when I'm in L.A, with Hannah, I'm happy and I can go weeks without Catherine crossing my mind.  
  
~That's the reason she is here  
  
~Wiping your old memory clear  
  
I love her and she keeps me sane, but part of me still belongs to someone else. And it isn't fair, is it? I'm using her, aren't I?  
  
~She's helping me get over you  
  
***  
  
I joke with him about the sound of wedding bells for him and Hannah, despite the fact that my heart breaks as I speak. They're very well suited. According to Warrick she works with him, and they share a lot of interests. I think he's happy. I hope he is. Who am I kidding? I hope he's miserable without me. But it doesn't look like it.  
  
~I know you'd never ask his name  
  
~But in your heart I know you wonder  
  
"So, are you seeing anyone?" he asks, shyly.  
  
I smile fondly as I see he's still shy about asking personal questions, then I bring myself back to the real world and say:  
  
"Erm... Yeah." Erm?! That sounds like I'm happy doesn't it? I had to think about it!  
  
He nods slowly, but doesn't speak. I think he's waiting for me to continue. Perhaps he's eager to see if I can remember the guy's name.  
  
~I'm not much good at playing games  
  
~I'm just trying to keep from going under  
  
"Yeah, his name's Peter Greenwich. He's a doctor... We met a few months ago at a karaoke bar."  
  
"Karaoke?" he asks, surprised.  
  
I smile. "We go out once a month. Sara was exacting revenge on Greg for taking us to a strip club the month before."  
  
"Ah!"  
  
"Greg was drunk and he fell on this woman, and Peter tried to help revive him...It's not the most romantic story in the world," I shrug.  
  
"It'll do," he smiles.  
  
~There's no forever in his eyes  
  
~It's not the love that we once knew  
  
`It'll do'. That's it exactly, isn't it? Peter'll do because I can't have the man I really love. I do love Peter, and when we're together I do feel happy. But it's not the same as it was with Gil.  
  
~Oh and it might be a sin  
  
~But tonight I've got a friend  
  
I'm living for each day, not expecting anything from the relationship. If it ended tomorrow, I don't think I'd mind. And I don't like how callous that sounds. He deserves more than this. I thought tonight would be a turning point for me. I thought I'd come here, see Gil and not have any of these feelings. I thought I'd realise what I had with Peter was what I wanted, and all the thoughts about Gil would turn out to be a childish action of clinging to memories rather than facing the future. I hoped that would happen. But it hasn't.  
  
And it isn't fair on Peter, is it? What I can offer isn't enough.  
  
~Helping me get over you  
  
***  
  
~Oh I did the best that I could do  
  
~I had to find somebody new  
  
~To help me get over you  
  
TBC... 


	5. Messages

Disclaimer: please see chapter one  
  
A/N: This chapter breaks from the songfic style I have used in the previous chapters as I couldn't find an appropriate song. However it does contain lyrics from "My Big Mistake" by Delta Goodrem.  
  
Chapter Five: Messages  
  
It's been a long day, well, night. Nick and I finally tied up a case we've been working on for two weeks though, so some good did come of it. Now I just want to collapse on the sofa and sleep. I'd collapse on my bed but I don't have the energy to make it that far.  
  
So I drop myself onto the sofa, lean my head back and close my eyes. Then something occurs to me. I caught a glimpse of the answering machine as I sat down, and the light was blinking furiously. I doubt it's important, but just in case, I force my eyes open, reach across and hit play. Then I collapse again.  
  
"You have six new messages..." The electronic voice tells me.  
  
I raise my eyebrows in surprise, and settle down to see what the world had to offer me while I wasn't here to take it.  
  
"Message one..."  
  
"Hi, honey, it's Mom. Just wanted to see how you are. Nancy told me about you and Peter. You okay?... It's hard to make a relationship work when you're still in love with someone else. Things'll work themselves out, though. Just be patient. I'll talk to you soon. Lots of love, and a big hug for my granddaughter. And take a hug for yourself too. 'Bye!"  
  
I can hear her smile, and I smile as well, as a tear escapes from beneath my right eyelid. Forty years old, and I want my mum. I need that hug. Everything's such a mess. I haven't stopped thinking about Gil since Warrick's engagement party, three weeks ago. That one evening managed to undo everything I had accomplished.  
  
I ended things with Peter just after that, it wasn't fair on him to carry on pretending. I've only just told Nancy though. I wanted to deal with things in my own head before they started asking questions. Should have known they wouldn't need to ask though. Mum obviously has it all figured out.  
  
"Message two..." the machine says after reeling off the date and time that the first message was left. Information which is really no use because I haven't reset the clock on the machine since a power cut a fortnight ago.  
  
"Hey – "  
  
I leap out of the seat and hit pause. I recognise the voice straight away, and suddenly I'm wide awake. What does he want? Why is he calling? He's never called! In the ten months since he left he's never called once! Why now? What does he want?  
  
And do I want to know?  
  
I stand and stare at the machine, its little light is blinking, reminding me someone has something to say. And as all my questions run through my mind again, I realise that there's only one way to answer them. So I press play.  
  
"I thought I'd – "  
  
And then I press pause. I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with this. I've been longing to hear his voice, praying that he would call, but I'm not prepared. I should have been given some sort of warning. You can't just spring these things on people!  
  
I sit on the coffee table, because that's the nearest thing to me as I feel I need to sit down, and rub my forehead. I need to do this. I need to listen to the message. I'm a big girl. I can do this. I take a deep breath, transfer myself to the sofa, and curling up at the end near the table that holds the machine, I press play again.  
  
"– catch you before you went to work, but, obviously, you've gone..."  
  
Now I'm angry at myself for going in early. I miss him. God, I miss him.  
  
"... Erm... I'll... call some other time... It wasn't anything important. Er... 'bye."  
  
I smile slightly, through the tears. The message is so him. Why wasn't I here? How did I let things come to this? Yes, I miss being with him; I miss having him love me in return; I miss holding him, falling asleep beside him, snuggling up to watch movies with him; but most of all I miss my friend. And even if I can't have all the other things back, maybe I can get the friendship back. Maybe we could at least be on a talking basis. Why wasn't I here to take the damn call?  
  
"Actually – " the answering machine is still going and it snaps me out of my thoughts when his voice comes out of it again. My head shoots up, thinking maybe I'm just hearing things. But the voice continues.  
  
"- I did want to talk to you... I ... wanted to... apologise – "  
  
~ the days the weeks the months ~ the years that we have wasted ~ i'm sorry ~ i still love you  
  
"- I never meant to hurt you. I did what I always do and retreated. I'm not good with people. I'm not good with feelings... I was scared and I pushed you away instead of letting you in... I'm not just realising this now. I just never thought you would listen before... And I didn't blame you... And I wouldn't blame you if you delete this without even listening to it. But at Warrick's party, you at least spoke to me, and I was just wondering if maybe... Er... I'm sorry. This isn't fair on you. Please just know that I'm sorry and – "  
  
"And?" I scream leaping towards the answer machine as it beeps to inform me that it kindly cut him off at that point. I glare at it impatiently, as it tells me the message was left on 'Tuesday at two-fifty-four pm'. Inaccurate information I really don't care about! My heart is beating rapidly, and my hands are shaking, he has to have left another message. There are three messages left. He had to have called back. I need to know what he was going to say. I daren't hope that he's going to say he still loves me, but maybe he's been thinking like I have and we can try being friends again.  
  
"Message four..."  
  
Yes, yes, get on with it!  
  
"Ms Willows, this is – "  
  
"Message deleted."  
  
I really don't care who it was.  
  
"Message five..."  
  
"They never give you enough space on these things," he laughs, nervously, and I laugh too as I release a sigh of relief when I hear his voice again. "I did call straight after my other message, but it was engaged... Now, I'm rambling... Get to the point... Hmm, now I'm talking to myself... Sorry. I just wanted to tell you... to ask... Hannah and I – "  
  
My smile drops from my face and I hit pause. Oh my God. I can't handle this. If he's going to tell me they're getting married, I really can't handle this. I know I said I daren't hope he was going to say he still loves me, but that is, of course, what I was hoping for. I really can't take it if he's going to say he's marrying her. And if he's going to invite me to the wedding... That's it! That's what he's ringing for. He's apologising, because he does want us to be friends. And he wants to invite me to their wedding. Oh, God, I can't take this.  
  
My hand reaches out to press delete. But it stops. I should at least give him the courtesy of listening to the message. It's probably a good idea to know what I'm responding to when I call to turn down the invitation. Or maybe I'll write. Yes, I definitely couldn't deal with a conversation with him. Not now. Still, I probably should know what I'm writing about. So I press play.  
  
"– we... I ... It's over... Hannah and me. It's over."  
  
I think my mouth is actually hanging open. Very unladylike and very unattractive, but that's my reaction. I did not expect this. I hoped for it, but I didn't expect it.  
  
"I ended it just after we got back from Vegas. It wasn't fair on her for me to let things carry on. When my heart will always belong to someone else... I know I shouldn't tell you – "  
  
What is wrong with this stupid machine?! It's like it waits til the crucial part of the message and then cuts off with its torturous 'to be continued' beep. This sixth message had better be him, else whoever it is will wish they never even met me.  
  
"Message six..."  
  
~ i don't expect a call 'cause my apology's belated ~ i'm sorry ~ and i miss you all my life  
  
"I'm sorry I'm taking up so much space on here... I know I shouldn't be telling you all this. But I know I'd regret it forever if I knew I'd never made this call... I don't expect you to call back. I left it far too long before apologising, and I'm dumping all my feelings on you when you've moved on..."  
  
This time the pause is quite long, and then his tone has changed when he comes back.  
  
"This is wrong... Ignore the whole bunch of messages. I'm so sorry. I've been selfish. I'm sorry."  
  
That's it. The answer phone is telling me the same old nonsense about when he called, as I sit in the otherwise silent house and stare at my trembling hands. He still loves me. He didn't say it directly, but that is what he meant. Right? I'm not just misinterpreting it with my wishful thinking? He's still in love with me. I don't know whether to smile or cry. So I'll continue to do both.  
  
Oh, who's this? I'm really not in any fit state for visitors. Although, it might be Warrick, he said he'd call round when his case was done. I feel bad now for cursing him, when I heard the knock. He's bringing me breakfast.  
  
"Gil?!" Could that have come out any squeakier?  
  
"Hey."  
  
I'm desperately trying to show surprise rather than elation. I hope it's working.  
  
"What are you... doing here?"  
  
He takes a deep breath before he speaks. "I left a couple of messages on your answerphone."  
  
I nod. "Yeah, I got them." Nonchalant, excellent.  
  
"Oh... Well, then you'll know I didn't really want you to hear them."  
  
"Yeah." Still cool. Doing well.  
  
"I rang Warrick, to see if - " he pauses for a second and laughs slightly. He's so gorgeous when he laughs. No, quick, hide that adoring smile.  
  
"- if maybe he could come round here and delete them before you got to them."  
  
"Ah, obviously he said no."  
  
"Yeah. He basically told me to 'get off my blind, lazy, dumb ass and get round here and do it myself.'"  
  
Sounds like Warrick. "So, you've come from LA to break into my house and erase my answering machine messages?" I think I'm coming across rather hard, but if I don't put this face on, I'll just fling my arms around him and kiss him for the rest of my life. And I have to be sure that he wants that.  
  
"No. I decided that would be unfair... and illegal."  
  
"True. So why are you here?" I'm sure he can hear my heart beating. I can hear it so loudly I almost can't hear what he's saying.  
  
He looks so nervous, and I'm being so cruel to him, questioning him like this. And I've left him standing on the doorstep.  
  
"I'm sorry. Do you want to come in?" I ask, finally. Where the hell is my logical thought control?  
  
"Thanks." He steps inside, and we walk into the lounge.  
  
"Can I get you a drink?"  
  
"No, thanks. I'm ok... Cath, am I wrong to take it as a good sign that you've heard those messages, and you haven't shut the door in my face?"  
  
He sounds frantic. I smile softly to show that I am pleased that he's there. "No, you're not wrong... I'm just surprised to see you. It sounded like you regretted what you said, I never expected you to turn up at the door."  
  
"Warrick said that you and Peter have split up."  
  
I nod confirmation that this is true. "Can't keep a secret, that one," I smile, nervously. This seems to be going where I want it to go but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Well, any further up than they went when I opened the door to find him standing outside.  
  
"He also said... that you miss me."  
  
That one takes me by surprise. I've never said that to Warrick. I've never told anyone that's what's going on in my head. Apparently it's more obvious than I thought.  
  
My hesitation seems to worry him. He steps towards me.  
  
"Cath?"  
  
I look at him and all my efforts to not show him how much I've missed him, just fall away. "I do miss you. I miss you so much."  
  
We step together and he strokes the side of my face, wiping away tear stains I hoped he hadn't noticed.  
  
"I miss you too. I've missed you ever since the last time I was here... I know I hurt you, and I know you'll need time to get – "  
  
I can't wait any longer, I lean up and press my lips against his, and it's as if we've never been apart. His lips are still as soft, and they still know mine as well as ever. They caress each other tenderly, as our arms pull ourselves closer.  
  
When we break for air, I look at him.  
  
"I've had time... Now I just need you."  
  
"But – "  
  
I put my finger across his lips to stop him.  
  
"From this point on, we're moving forwards, not backwards. Deal?"  
  
"Deal."  
  
And his lips are back on mine.  
  
As we lower onto the sofa, the phone starts to ring.  
  
"The machine'll get it," I say as I stop him from pulling away from me to let me answer it.  
  
"Hi! This is Catherine and Lindsey, we're not here to take your call, please leave us a message and we'll get back to you."  
  
"Hey, Cath! It's Warrick. Sorry I'm not there yet, I've been in a meeting with Brass and the Sherriff for over an hour. I'm guessing you're asleep so I won't come round. I'll see you tonight... Oh, and I should tell you, I told Grissom that you miss him. The two of you really need to talk. You're made for each other. I hope I did the right thing. You know the best way to kill me if I didn't."  
  
THE END 


End file.
